After working on this site for years, it recently occurred to me that the best place to start processing loss is before your pet dies. Sadly, tragedies and medical crises happen, so we don’t always have that opportunity, but if you do, it is important to proceed mindfully. Recognizing the intensity of your emotions and grounding yourself is essential.
When it feels like the walls are caving in around you, impulse can take over, and it’s easy for judgment to become clouded. In my experience, when my dog, Tovi, was diagnosed with cancer, I opted for surgery to remove a large mass in his liver – this was a massive procedure for a twelve-year-old dog, but he was otherwise healthy, and the success rate was high. I can confidently say I weighed the options and made an informed decision at this juncture. While the tumor was successfully removed, he suffered from complications from the surgery, which ultimately led to his death. The in-between is where I wish I would have hit the pause button in my head.
Of course, where there is love, it is natural to want to do anything to prolong your pet’s life. Things went wrong when I failed to stop and reassess if continuing aggressive care was still the best choice. Once I entered Crisis territory (when he came out of surgery in extreme mental and physical distress), I couldn’t slow down and think through the insane interventions I continued to put him through. And insane interventions are okay - to a point. But after many failed responses, I wouldn’t let myself see that he was no longer the dog he once was and would never be That dog again. In the end, he could only leave the hospital with a feeding tube because he wasn’t able to eat or take medication orally. Half the time, he would vomit as I syringed pureed food through his tube, but I continued to think this was a viable option. I think the "I went this far, I can't stop now" mindset regarding treatment interventions and the financial investment we make contributes to the stop-at-nothing mentality. Looking back now, I can see he lived a great life, one that I am so lucky to have shared with him. In the thick of it, I forgot that no matter what, he would eventually die. I had never prepared for this reality.
Don't be afraid to have a frank conversation with your veterinarian, and if you aren’t feeling comfortable with your provider, get a second opinion. Weigh the options and discuss them with a trusted person who understands and 'gets' the relationship you share. Do not expect someone else to decide for you, but let them be a sounding board while you explore options. Talk to your pet candidly about what is happening and ask them what they want. It is also helpful to seek professional support to walk you through the minefield of emotions you're likely experiencing.
Be as informed as possible and then proceed with caution. I speak more about guilt and regret in other places, but just know that no matter what path you choose, you will likely look back and question decisions you made along the way because that’s just how our brains work.
Sending love... Liz
Millie Weiner
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